Communication

We are going to start by discussing communication. Of course, this is a topic that EVERY polyamory or swinging site covers in detail. We are going to cover it again. But we have a worksheet for you to fill out that makes it fun, and will lubricate the discussion.

Click Here For Worksheet

So, what kind of things need to be discussed.

1. Why?
Why are you in the lifestyle, or seeking it out. I will tell you that there is no wrong answer. If you are looking for something that your partner can't give you, or just wanting to experiment with sex. It's all ok. But it is IMPORTANT to know what the motivating factor is. There are all sorts of swingers and poly couples out there. For example: There is a female who doesn't like to give her partner oral sex. But everything else in the relationship is great. The partner really likes oral, and it really makes them happy. This couple may be playing just to allow the partner to receive oral sex occasionally. This is OK. So, why are you swinging, or interested in swinging?


2. What are your boundaries, and what are your partners boundaries.
Now that you have determined why you are here, in this place. What is ok, and what isn't. Start broad, and work y our way narrower. It may start with, I'm ok with oral, but not intercourse. And then I'm ok with oral, if I'm in the room, and then I'm ok with oral, while I'm in the room, and it's someone I'm comfortable with you doing that to. You see. It's almost like wandering in some catacombs. There are dead ends, and long passages. You just need to discuss and see what make each other tick. Everyone is different, and everyone changes over time. This is not unusual. So, take a long look at your boundaries, discuss them broadly, and then discuss the details.

3. Negotiate.
After you have made it this far into the conversation, and both parties are still civil (If at any point during this process either gets upset, jealous, or angry, let it go, and start at 1 again, Why are we here?). Ok so you have discussed boundaries and by now I'm sure that you both have realized there is a difference in your boundaries. (If there isn't, one probably isn't being honest, and only agreeing to make the other party happy. This should be avoided.) You and your partner have differing views on what is acceptable. This is fine. Do not get discouraged. Things change as you get more experenced, and meet new people. And besides, rules were meant to be broken (safely and mutually broken). Just because you can't imagine a situation where you would be comfortable crossing your boundaries listed above, doesn't mean that you won't be in a situation that doesn't lend itself to more. Some of the most exciting situations I've been in were ones that forced me to my boundaries, and pushed them. So negotiate. Discuss what kinds of situations, or environments would facilitate being able to look at the boundaries more closely.

4. SAFEWRDS!
Ok, now that you know why, what, and where you can go in the future, it's time to communicate in a way that keeps people safe. No one wants to be in a situation where you have to reject someone. But any swinger who has been to a party, or meeting with others of ike mind, knows that people are going to 'come on' to you or your partner that either of you aren't comfortable with. Have some word, or maybe a touch (like a batting coach signal to bunt). My wife and I are Beatles fans, and we use "Yellow Submarine" as our safe word. It works well for us, cause if i'm uncomfortable, or she is (which being in that tiny yellow submarine would be), it's easy to just sing quietly the chorus. People get songs stuck in their heads all the time, and people whistle or sing often when they are nervous, or anxious. So nobody will think too much about it, if done discreetly. Don't jump up and scream "Yellow Submarine", grab your pants and run from the room. You might as well just tell everyone you aren't comfortable. The 'safeword' is to give you or your partner an 'out', in a difficult encounter.

These are the basics. The art of communication, and sharing feelings openly with your partner is very tricky. No one want's their partner to judge, ridicule, or reject them. This is probably the most important person in your life. This makes it all the more important to share you feelings, and also the hardest to share with at times. The best advise is to remember, EVERYONE is entitled to their feelings, no matter how irrational. What makes us people of good character is how we deal with them, and most important, react to them. Always remember, THOUGHT CONTROLS EMOTION. You may not agree with me on this point. But I assure you it is true. If you are feeling something that you don't want to, change your perspective. Look at it from the other side, empathize, and reevalute risk and reward. Most of the time, you will feel different about whatever was causing you greif. We will get more into this in a later post.

REMEMBER: We will answer reader questions anonymously, so send them to us at CWSwingers@gmail.com, let us know what you think, and ask us what you will. We will do our best to answer your questions whether new to swinging, or veteran with a problem.

"Swing Away"
:P